Here are a few ridiculous letters that I wrote from things to other things. They include letters to my future self, letters I wish I could send random people, and what I imagine inanimate objects and concepts would write to one another if they had such an opportunity.

 

Dear Writing,

Hey it’s your technologically advanced relative typing. Although I’m both quicker and easier to read than you may be, I wanted you to know that there will always be a place for you in the world. Doctors have to sign off on prescriptions somehow right!!! LOL I want you to know that you have been a major influence on my career and you’ll always have my respect no matter how expendable you may become in the future. Thanks for the inspiration; I hope that we can one day become friends.

Respectfully yours,

Typing

 

Dear Zach in 2026,

Hey future me how are you? I have many questions I want to ask you but I’ll try to keep it brief since you probably have a bunch of stuff you don’t want to do but have to nonetheless. Since you are reading this I assume that George W. Bush wasn’t successful in his attempt to bring on the apocalypse and there was no zombie attack like you thought that there would be. I bet you regret buying that zombie insurance now huh?

Changing gears a little, what do you do for a living? I bet it’s something different than what you went to college for. Man that kinda seems like a big waste of time I bet huh? I also bet that even if you enjoy it you still complain about having to work for a living. Are you still living in Minnesota or did you actually grow a pair of balls and move somewhere else like you always said that you would? If you did where too? As long as you didn’t move to North or South Dakota I’m sure that it’s not that bad. Did you ever figure out who stole all of your CD’s from the high school weight room that one time? If you did I hope that you gave them a stern lecture about how stealing is wrong, especially when it’s from you.

Did the Vikings win the Super Bowl yet? j/k lol I’m sure that they didn’t but I hope that I’m wrong. Also do people in the future still use j/k and lol? I hope not because it’s really annoying. Did they ever figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? My guess was always 92, Jesus I hope I’m right.

Do Remiger and Fraser have kids yet? If so, do Fraser’s kids already have beards? Do Remiger’s kids also look similar to the Kraft Mac & Cheese dinosaur? I bet they really hate paleontology huh. That’s all I’ll ask for now, it’s good to know that you’re not dead yet.

Sincerely,

You aka zachjones from 2006

 

Dear Stamps,

Everyday I get closer and closer to achieving me goal of riding the world of your existence. I’ve always hated you. Mainly because you taste like a hobo’s armpit. Even the one’s that people don’t have to lick still leave their hands smelling of something horrible. Not to mention that as your irrelevancy becomes greater with each passing day, you continue to raise the price of how much you cost!!! Are you that big of a dolt or is this your feeble attempt to try and screw over the technologically challenged? Either way your reign of terror is nearing its conclusion and I couldn’t be happier. Thanks for being slow and stupid, I hope you and all of your philatelic friends enjoy your slow and painful death.

Your Nemesis,

E-Mail and Electronic Bill Pay

P. S. You suck

 

To the super sweet guy who screamed at me through his Escalade window yesterday,

Hello sir. Allow me to recap the events of our encounter just in case you were having a rage blackout at the time and don’t recall what occurred.

The time was about 3:30pm Central Standard Time and I was on my way to campus after a quick trip to Target. I was cruising along Division Street minding my own business, enjoying Patton Oswalt’s “Feeling Kinda Patton” CD. Shortly after crossing the intersection of Highway 15 and Division, I glanced in my rear-view mirror and noticed your Black Cadillac Escalade rapidly approaching. I gave my speedometer a quick glance and it said that I was going 47 mph, which I assumed, was fast enough given that the posted speed limit is 35mph in that area. Since there was a vehicle to the side of me and multiple cars traveling in front of me it was impossible for me to simply switch lanes. By the time we reached the intersection by McMillians’ you were riding my bumper like a slutty college chick at a frat party, even though you could see from your perched position that I was surrounded by other vehicles and would be unable to increase my speed. For some reason you felt as though this was my fault and you continued to ride my bumper until the next light.

The next stoplight was red when we arrived forcing me to hit my breaks as to not rear end the already stopped cars in front of me. For whatever reason you took this as a sign of disrespect and began screaming at me as if I had just called your girlfriend a cunt in front of her mother or something. When we reached the light two of the cars in the right lane next to me turned off and before I had the opportunity to change lanes you quickly sped into the vacated space. As you passed by my car you gave me the finger while continuing to scream at me, even though both your window and mine were rolled up the entire time. I would have just chalked it up to you having a bad day or something if this would have been the end of the encounter however, you felt it necessary to continue expressing your anger towards me at the next stoplight.

Again the light was red and we were both forced to bring our vehicles to a stop. When you noticed my car pull up next to your douche wagon you saw this as another opportunity to let me know of your displeasure with me. This time you rolled down your window hoping that I would do the same so you could unleash your verbal bashing upon me. Much to your chagrin however, I opted to keep my window up rendering your passionate tirade useless against me. Thankfully you turned off at the next stop light and the ordeal was over.

I don’t know you so I can’t say for certain if you are as wretched to all humans as you were yesterday to me. Who knows, maybe in your free time you put on magic shows for kids with cancer, but I think that I’ll take my chances and assume that you are not that type of fellow. Aside from the classlessness you showed with your little tirade here’s why I feel this way.

For one you were driving an Escalade that proudly displayed a support our troops ribbon. The fact that the you fail to realize the double standard of this leads me to believe that you don’t really give a fuck about anyone but yourself. It screams that you only put that magnet on your gas-sucking fuck mobile, so people who see you will think that you’re an individual of quality. You’re like O. J. Simpson saying he’s still looking for the real killer, when everyone knows a simple glance in the mirror is all it takes to find him.

Also you were sporting a polo shit with the collar popped up and aviator sunglasses. If one were to look up the exact outfit that a douche bag would wear on a normal day this would be what he or she would find. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if you were wearing a trucker hat tilted slightly to the side. I’m sure that you thought you looked very “pimp” in this outfit. Sadly you just fit the profile of the keg party rapist who got syphilis from a transvestite hooker on spring break.

I could go on and on but I think you get the idea. I really hope that you get gang raped by a gorilla at the zoo and then somehow wonder into a wooded area where you are torn apart by a pack of wolves and the eaten by wolverine and a wise old owl. But if you want to take the easy way out then just put a gun in your mouth and end your parent’s misery by blowing your head off while they watch.

Your brother in Christ,

zachjones

 

Greetings and Salutations Chocolate and Vanilla Swirl Ice Cream,

I don’t want to take up too much of your time. I know how busy you are. I really just want to give you what is a long overdue thank you for all that you have done on behalf of our community. You can’t even begin to fathom how much you have helped our cause over the years. Because of your success as a tasty treat so many of our lives have changed for the better and for that we say thanks. Continue being the beautiful delicious snack that you are, you’re a real life hero.

Gratefully Yours,

People of mixed race